Last year I asked the man I love to marry me. I am very happy that he said yes and we will be married next year. We’re both very happy about getting married and our families are also very happy we are getting married. It’s something we had both believed would never happen, especially as we were never big fans of the idea of marriage.

We both come from religious families but we are both atheists. My partner’s family are vaguely Catholic but mostly just the weddings and funerals kind of religious. My own family are fairly active in their church; attending regularly and doing bible studies etc… Even though it has taken some years for my parents to fully reconcile and be OK with having a gay son, they have never turned me away or treated me badly.

When I told them I was getting married they were not only delighted, they also wanted to help plan the wedding. These were things I could not have imagined happening in my family maybe even 5 or 10 years ago. Needless to say, I love my parents and they treat my partner as a fully accepted and loved member of the family.

With so much work having gone into getting family relationships as good as they can be, despite religious beliefs or lack thereof, it was unexpected to have my Mum ask me to unfriend someone on Facebook who they know from their own church. We were out for dinner at the time they asked and my Mum seemed visibly distressed. They didn’t want to say more about it and potentially ruin a lovely dinner. The person Mum asked me to unfriend was someone I had been connected with through some volunteer work a few years back.

I had to wait over a week to find out what the real deal was. Finally, over drinks with my parents, they were able to tell me why they had made this request. This person had a conversation with my Mum where they were advising her and my Dad not to attend my wedding. Not only to not attend my wedding but could I be asked to not post any of the wedding photos onto Facebook. Because of this person’s personal circumstances and that my Mum was fairly shocked to be asked, she didn’t say much except that she would not be doing that.

My Dad then informs me that various people in their church had been coming to him saying that these thoughts had been shared with them too and they were concerned that my parents might not know about it. Some of the people approached with these comments also have LGBT children and some of them are married. Some of them have met me and my partner and like us very much. We’re pretty nice guys, especially my partner.

I had already known that this person did not support my marriage by their reaction when I first shared the news, or rather their lack of reaction by completely ignoring what I had said and rapidly changing the subject. I don’t care about that and they were not getting sent a wedding invite anyway. I don’t need everyone to be happy for me and I was not seeking approval, but even polite congratulations, however insincere, would have been nicer. I would not even have been bothered if they had said that they didn’t support gay marriage. They are entitled to believe as they wish.

When it becomes a problem to me is when someone else’s religious beliefs and objections start to directly affect my life and my family. Attempting to interfere with my family relationships and seemingly also attempting to gain some backing in this opinion behind my parent’s backs, and thereby assert greater influence on them; this is where I have a BIG problem. My parents are rightly disgusted by this interference and busybody behaviour, although I know many religious parents often go the other way on this and choose church over family. Again, I am very lucky and I fully appreciate it.

I had not previously unfriended the person in question, as I felt I needed a valid reason and didn’t think I had one. In the morning, as this news sank in, I became quite angry. I unfriended the person and sent what in retrospect was a very restrained message which said that I was disgusted by the things they had said and the way they had gone about it. As someone who knows me, they should be prepared to say it to my face and to be direct with my parents. As I was messaging this person I realised that I actually didn’t care at all about their homophobic beliefs or the things that seem to have been said about me and my relationship to other people in their church, but what I did care about was someone trying to interfere with my family and create discord in the name of their god.

I was surprised later that this person responded and said these things were not true. Unfortunately for them, there were multiple sources who say it was and had been said to them. Apparently, this person had been trying to protect my parents from how cruel some people in the church can be about such issues. My parents are both in their 70’s with plenty of life experience. They certainly did not need any such protection.

I confronted this person on their attitude and ignorant behaviour to me when I announced my marriage and was told that they love me and my family and would be very happy for me and my partner and wish only good things. My Mum is very clear that there was no misunderstanding in what she said. My Dad, who had several people approach him to tell what was being said behind their backs, also agrees that there is no misunderstanding. Whatever they thought they might achieve is clearly not going to happen and is quite a nice testament to the reality that not all evangelical Christians are homophobic. Many will actually defend their LGBT family and friends.

The last thing I would want is some kind of social media hate campaign against this person. They know who they are and I have received an apology and an assurance that this is a misunderstanding which they will work to undo. Having been uncovered and backed into a corner on this seems to be enough to put a stop to it and an end to that situation. In the style of Jesus I have forgiven it and so have my parents.

I shared a bit about what happened on my personal Facebook page and was met with a deluge of love and support from family, friends and friends of friends. That was good and reassuring and maybe even needed on some level. I want to be clear that even though my parents have had some struggles reconciling their religion with their love and support for their son, they resolved it and we are all closer and happier for it.

My very insightful cousin pointed out to me that this was the first time my parents had personally encountered homophobia. It had clearly given them a small taste of what many LGBT people, their son included, have to deal with on a regular basis and it shook them up. Their first instinct was to want to protect me and my partner from it, but we are far more used to it and not so easily upset.

I think we all learned something from that experience. My parents learned a little of what religious homophobia feels like. The person at the root of this has learned that the actions and behaviours they demonstrated are not going to be accepted by their more forward thinking church and that they will be challenged on it.

I have learned that my parents have had to ‘come out of the closet’ about having a gay son. It’s something they didn’t discuss for years, not even close family. Now they are out and proud of their gay son and his future husband. I am proud of them too and we are all looking forward to a wonderful wedding celebration with all the people who truly love us and are genuinely happy for us.